Is It True That Bochrim Talk This Way After Dates?

It's a double standard.

Or actually, it's no standard.  I wonder, if boys' yeshivos spent 1/4 of the time that girls schools do teaching midos,  if a story like this would come out:

We've all heard that bochrim discuss their dates. At length. Mercilessly.  Without kindness.  And we know that the girls do not.  They do not talk to their friends about their dates.  Unless they are close to getting engaged, or there is one friend who is a sounding board, close confidante.

So here's the story I heard this past shabbos.

A boy (yes, of course, from a Yeshiva that has a good reputation) returned from a date to his dorm.  Where, presumably, a bunch of other guys were hanging around.  He stated, **LANGUAGE ALERT FOR THE SENSITIVE AND YOUNG**, "the door opened and I thought, dammit, she's ugly".

What's the big deal, you might say?
I know all the disclaimers.  I know that looks ARE important to men.  (guess what guys, to us women, too. we just don't talk about it). I know that attraction is an extremely important main factor in a relationship.
The big deal is that this unkind bochur just announced to a room of other bochrim that this girl is ugly.  Never mind that it's in his opinion.  Never mind that of course, there might be a baal midos in the group who will not be mekabel this Lashon Hara.  Never mind that other boys might find this guy unpleasant, rude, obnoxious, and discount what he says.

It's disturbing because we ARE the people of the book.  We ARE supposed to be better than others.  This yeshiva has a good reputation.  The boys there do not go to college. They can't.  They have to be somewhat serious about their learning.  And of course, you're one step out the door of serious religiosity if you plan to plan on a plan for parnosa.

It's disturbing because this boy who spends his whole day and night studying and learning Hashem's beautiful Torah doesn't have the most basic sense of kindness and thoughtfullness.

........of course, I am sure the girl is not from a wealthy family.  That totally changes the picture, too.  Green can be very attractive, no?

Improv Anywhere, Humiliation Everywhere

At first I thought the concept of Improv was cute. Clever.  All those people standing still in Grand Central Station.  Shticky.  A kind of performance art that wasn't a naked woman with a pumpkin on her head and feces on her body channeling an ancient war god  (a combination of a few Doonesbury comic strips). 

But now I don't think so. At all.  While it may be "cute" to do things like walk backwards in Times Square, banging into people and confirming tourist's opinions that we are, in fact, a nation of fools (thank you to our President for establishing that), it isn't cute when people are publicly embarrassed or made fun of.  Of course when asked, I am sure they say something like, "Oh, ha ha, it's no big deal".  But really, no one likes to be made foolish.  Like in this clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3XTAw3tzyI

ok, if the kid wants to run into the wall and look idiotic, fine. And I was a big fan of the Harry Potter books, so my issue, clearly, isn't with the subject.  I don't think it's funny to embarrass people on video. Period.  Making the ticket sellers question the boy over and over again, having random strangers not know what to answer.  Why is this funny?  It's like the whole premise here is to make people look stupid, foolish, or clueless! 

See, that's my whole issue! It's NOT just about the cleverness of a new way of making statements, it's How Can We Make A Statement, Even If It Inconveniences Or Embarrasses Other People!

Like the No Pants Day.  Can you think of a more highly offensive public display of selfishness and impropriety?  I am sure that there are plenty of people out there who are not living a religious life, who don't have the rules and lifestyle of modesty that I do, yet are highly disturbed by this!  A subway is not a beach, where you expect to see skimpy bottoms and unclad people. 

It's just plain disgusting.  This really bothers me.  A lot.  Do New Yorkers care?

Mayonnaise, Ketchup, and Yiddishkeit

Those are the three things that YBS1 says you do not compromise on.

Mayonnaise, definitely.  Though once I began to bring Gefen Lite mayo into our home, our standards relaxed somewhat.  It definitely tastes better than Hellman's Lite mayonnaise.  And we are mayonnaise experts around here.  It is as essential to a Shabbos meal as challa and wine.

Ketchup, sad to say, seems to be only be tasty if it is Heinz.  Although I am not a picky eater, there really is a difference in the taste.  What actually prompted this was YBS1's observation that I bought a non-jewish brand of chummus *(which the brand calls "hommos", already an indication of not getting it right), and a jewish company's ketchup.  He thought this was problematic.  He is prone to grand sweeping all encompassing statements, as he said,
"What do these people know about making chummus? And what does Lieber's know about making ketchup?! and what about these off brands of mayonnaise ??"

and then followed his most profound statement of all,

"there are just some things in life you do NOT compromise on! Mayonnaise! Ketchup! and Yiddishkeit!"

Have Rachmunus - For the right person

No one ever wants to fire an employee. Especially if he is the sole bread winner of his family.  Especially if he/she is a really nice person, well meaning, and trying hard.

But a business has to function, make profits, and move ahead.

And in school, children need to learn. Period.

Every teacher needs to have that first job, and needs someone who believes they have the potential to inspire children and become a great educator.  Some schools only hire young teachers after they've proven themselves as assistants or substitutes.  Some schools take a chance, and get very lucky - the teacher or rebbi who exudes enthusiasm,  creativity, excitement, and thought out lesson planning proves to be a dynamic educator.

And even mediocre can be, ok.  If willing to accept suggestions, implement new ideas, and most important, asks for help when necessary.

But it is time for schools to choose the children over the teacher when it comes to really ineffective, poorly trained, unorganzied teachers.  I am sure one on one they would be good.  Perhaps small groups.  Very specific subjects.  But if most of the parents are  unhappy, most of the kids are not learning, no control going on in class, the time has come to decide the needs of these students overrides the needs of parnossa for the teacher.


(disclaimer: this is in reference to a conversation I had today with a parent, not from any school I work in or have a personal connection to)

Picture or No Picture?

I've been sending DIP3's shidduch profile to some people and friends.

Yes she Is In The Parsha!!

Some have asked for a picture:
a Shadchan who wants it to remember her, because he spoke to a lot of girls in one night.  I was hoping her charm and conversational abilites (combined with my presence, probably one of 2 mothers who showed up) would be enough.  I actually wanted to lean over and draw some stars, checks, and smiley faces next to his scribbled notes about her, so he would later remember, AH! This one was remarkable!

A shadchan who has books of boys and girls - blue for boys and pink for girls! - and needed a picture to remember who she was.  And.... wants to be able to forward it to mothers who ask for a picture. With my daughter's permission (she doesn't  mind).

an old acquaintance whom I don't keep up with and rarely see.  Who has no idea who my children are.  Who would like to see what she looks like so she can say, "...DIP3 is blonde, blue eyed, tall..." etc.  * (details changed to protect her privacy).


My sister said her husband will ask for a picture of the mother when asked for a picture of their daughter.  Since she is the one asking for the picture, usually.  Not the boy.  I'm pretty sure I blogged about this years ago, regarding DIP1.

I sent a pic from DIP1's wedding.  with, of course, a chatty note how "her makeup and hair don't always look this way  :)  :)  but I thought she looked great in it".

so what do you think about the pictures?
1- is it just the mothers, checking up that their Paul Newman gets the beauty he deserves?
2- are the shadchans really not sharing the pics with others?
3- is a professional picture from a wedding "too fancy", or do you agree (as I thought) why not send the best picture possible?

I'll Assume They are Ignorant....

though if you are old enough to get married, and old enough to propose, learn some Halachos.

Maybe I'm wrong, in which case, I am humbled.

I've complained in the past about the onlysimchas.com pictures that people post.  I may be romantic at heart, but I find it tasteless that people wish to share with everyone their most private moments.  You want to propose with petals and flowers and tea lights and all that, go ahead! But you need your buddies there to film it? So there will be one event of your life not captured on film and sent out to everyone!
Please don't tell me it's a generational thing.  Just because you are the Instagram generation doesn't mean you should lose all sense of privacy.

And I've also complained about the boys who are proposing on one knee.  Call me a Monsey Chareidinik (but really, please don't!) but that is just so....goyish.  I'm sorry.  Please.  Do not go On Bended Knee.

And I've been somewhat irked that the proposal must come with a choice of diamond bracelet.  OK, so not everyone wants to just pop the question, get an answer, and that's it.  They want (amend that: the girls expect) a gift.  Say it with flowers!

But this newest thing I noticed on onlysimchas, is proposing with ring! Which to begin with really makes sense.  But I hope hope hope these new fiances are not putting it on or even handing it to the girl with the proposal - because as far as I know, kiddushin is with a ring. And you are then in theory, married.  So normally you don't give the engagement ring directly to the girl.

Do you young people know that?? Or in the onlysimchas pictures with the girls flashing their rings, are the friends snappping the pics also the one who was the go between?

Black Friday Destroys American Traditions

Macy's black Friday will now begin on Thanksgiving night, Thursday, at 8 p.m.

I doubt they would do this if they thought only a handful of people would show up.

Besides the fact that it sadly means some employees have no family to join for dinner, it means many many Americans must be leaving the food-family tradition to go shopping.

How terribly sad.  Traditions are so important.  Another American family-one on one time- interpersonal relationship- activity gone down the tubes.