Serious Things I Worry About

If Chas V'shalom, G-d forbid, I was in an accident, a coma, or hadGuillain Barre Syndrome, would anyone remember I wore lenses? and remove them??
keep that in mind, please.

Reposting: lack of food erev YomTov

I should have listened to my sister the Eitza Lady and sent this in to one of the jewish magazines. But I didn't (maybe next year) so here it is again, with some slight revisions. is it like this in YOUR house??

*(YBS is Yeshiva Bochur Son. See earlier posts for fascinating observations of this Being)

Call child welfare services

My kids are starving.

The fridge is so empty I can see the back and the reflections of the containers on the glass shelves.

I love it. My kids hate it.

YBS: I am staying in yeshiva, there's mamesh no Oichel and this Matzov is Geferlach.

DIP1: uh, what's for supper?

ME: (brightly) you have many choices! I have four hot dogs, two hamburgers, some buns, and when they defrost, we will know if they are hot dog or hamburger buns- right now they're a little squished in the bag. AND I found a quarter of a bag of brocoli, two breaded chicken fingers, and looky here! an ENTIRE container of Tofutti sour cream, 3/4 of a container of Chummus, yum! and TONS of sorbet. What a treat! Let's have dessert first, as a special pre- pesach treat!

DIP3: (stamps into kitchen, flops on chair) this is SO not funny! I am beyond famished and starving! I ate the sludge from the bottom of the cereal container and I don't even know which cereal it was!

ME: ho ho! It was all of 'em! I combined the cereals two days ago so I could put away the containers and throw out all those boxes cluttering up the shelf. What a wonderful shmorgasbord for breakfast! ha ha!

DIP1: what's for supper?

ME: you like salmon? right? Tada! A salmon fillet! There are some green things floating on it, looks like it was already spiced, just microwave it and your gourmet meal is ready!

DIP1: (after microwaving). Uh, Ma?? I think this was the leftover lox we brought home from the bris. The stuff on it was that curly spinach? that goes under the platter? but it was stuck on with the saran wrap? So that's why now it looks shiny? what should I eat?

ME: the salmon! where do you think lox comes from?? lots of healthy fish oils in that! and spinach! Woah, just loaded with vitamins! Here, I found an extra 1/2 a whole wheat pita under the soup that defrosted and refrosted when the freezer was left open. Looks like it was onion soup, so it's milchigs! Just microwave the pita quickly and gobble it up, could get rubbery when it cools off.

DIP1: This is awful. I am going to that new shwarma place.

ME: No, No!! I’ll find something in that freezer, don’t lose hope! Here, I found one individually wrapped Homemade Oatrageous Granola Bar, from when I made them to take on our Chol Hamoed Succos trip. You love these things! Warm it up. Share it with your younger sister. Whole grains fill you up beautifully, one half should be fine.

DIP3: (after trying to unwrap the foil from the Homemade Granola Bar) uh, Ma? Are you sure this was only in the freezer since Succos? Cuz the foil is disintegrating in miniscule pieces and there are now silver shavings all over my new skirt, and….. HEY! This isn’t a Homemade Granola Bar! This is a misshapen block of fresh yeast! Gross, now it’s crumbling all over my new skirt! Even eating cold noodles, or…or…melting ice cream is better than the horrific lack of food situation in this household! This is so not funny. Since a week after Purim I have been in a state of starvation, depravation, and famishedness!


YBS: (screams with delight) Hashem, thank you!! I found some of those Spring Valley puff pastry zachiges! are they fleishig? Great! I can cut up the yapchik (that's what this foil is, yeah) I got four weeks ago from Mechil's and throw it all in! Is this squished foil pan from behind the pots fleishigs? Can I use it on the grill for all this shtus?

ME: (Gaily) You bet, Mr. Creative Chef - and throw in some ketchup, this breaded chicken drumstick, and the five diced pieces of zuchinni I found stuck to the bottom of the prune filling! Your feasting! Your mamesh feasting!
!

My phone rings. It is the Father. Of this charming brood of children who don’t appreciate the abundance of food in our home considering the starving people in Japan and Haiti and other washed out cities and countries.

HUSBAND: Hi there, hope you had a great day with the kids home, did they help? (sneer, which I could hear). Anyway, I just got off the bridge, I’ll be home in about 12 minutes. And we didn’t order lunch today, I ran to work straight from shul this morning without breakfast or even a coffee, and remember last night I wasn’t feeling well after shiur so I didn’t eat dinner. I am beyond famished. Hope you have something good for dinner. And don’t pass vegetables or soup as a main course, I need heavy protein and lots of it. What did you make?

DIP3: (who can miss a request if I bellow it over her head but can hear the other side of a cell phone conversation from the other side of the room) FORGET IT, DADDY!! There is ab-so-lute-ly no-thing edible in this household! Get us sushi! Take us to Teaneck! GO TO GRANDMA and get her shabbos leftovers! Something!

I quickly dash around the food deprived/weakened members of my household and leap into the bathroom, and as I muffle my voice into the towels, I ask my husband to pick up two corn beef sandwiches on the way home. Yup! Some of us will eat well tonight !

shidduch crisis

We are having a little shidduch crisis over here at the DIP's home.

We can't decide between two boys of seemingly good virtues, intelligence, fine breeding, and all the other traits so essential in finding a mate.

Bachelor #1 has been known to us for a while. Fits the profile.
Bachelor #2 just came on the scene. Intriguing background.

our own little decision crisis. and we'd better decide quick or we'll be accused by shadchanim as being difficult and do we want the DIP to get married or not?


I CAN NOT STAND THIS SYSTEM!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Something Worth Blogging About

after a self imposed ban on blogging, something happened today to cause me to rethink that theory.

There are times in our lives when something small happens, we see a particular activity taking place, and we step back to rethink our beliefs. There are times when a casual interaction or observation can force us to evaluate our concept of self and our place in the world, our pre-conceived notions of our position in society, our level of acclimation to the environment around us.

and sometimes following that event, observation, or activity, we just look at ourselves differently.


Wesley Kosher now does deliveries.

Didn't You Ever Take a Standardized Test?!?

I wonder if the poll worker volunteers ever took standardized tests as children. Or if they are aware that people take such tests. Or if they have ever had to fill out a form with little circles on it. I know I appear youthful at times, but do I look like an infant? Or do I have SUCH a vacuous and dull looking expression that these volunteers assume I am an absolute idiot??

I arrive at my local polling place, which doubles as a public school during regular hours.

ME: Hi, people, here to fullfill my civic duty!! Wait! what district am I?

(this happens every single time I come to vote. There are three tables set up, District 20, 86, and something else)

ME: Oh, nevermind, I remember now. I am district 20. Take the three digits of my house number, double it, add the number of drivers in my house, I got it
POLL WORKER: Just sign here (points to my name, in case I don't recognize it)
ME: okay, I'm off!
POLL WORKER: wait, Jim will explain what to do.
JIM: (rips off a sheet from a printed pad) This is a primary election.

pause.

ME: uh, yeah, I know, I am here to vote!
JIM: great! There are five positions with candidates running. (points to the five categories)

pause.
ME: uh, yeah, I know, I am here to vote!
JIM: so in each category, there are two or three people running for the position indicated on the top of the box. (Jim points to the top of the box)

ME: great!
JIM: next to each name is a small oval. (Jim points to each oval next to each candidate's name)

ME: (to myself. "THIS IS NOT REALLY HAPPENING")
JIM: So you need to pick one candidate in each category and carefully fill in the small oval located next to the candidate of your choice's name. Only one per office! Then proceed to the private booths to fill in your choice. When you are done you may place your ballot into this privacy folder, and then walk over to that area and the gentleman there will assist you.

ME: I carefully fill in my ovals, walk over to the brush-inhibited and hair-cut challenged individual sitting near the computer thing (Scantron). As I approach he gets up and walks out of the room. So I follow the clear instructions and place my ballot in the computer.

okay. am I actually living in the 21st century? The entire country is progressive and now doing these kinds of ballots? The poll worker told me these new ballots are so they can be accessible to wheel chair bound voters. The ADA has created this change.

Uman

Can't afford to go to Uman? Don't like to fly? Wish you had a rebbe to visit in a cemetery in the U.S.? Tired of letting all that money go to some European country whose residents would have been happy to give you up to the Nazis?
The Solution Is Right Here in Your Neighborhood!!

Tickets now being sold to camp out on neighboring properties to spend Rosh Hashana at the Brick Church Cemetery, right here in New Hempstead/Monsey! There are so many advantages to staying at a local graveyard this Rosh Hashana:

There are different neighborhoods and different rabbanim buried here. Choose your grave from across the religious spectrum!

There is a lot of lighting from local homes. We have good street lights here in America.

No need to deal with foreign currency. If you need a pre-yom tov slice of kugel, run down to Meal Mart and pull out the ole' George Washington.

Why deal with catered or institutionalized food, when the wife can run over with warm homemade food you're accustomed to? Don't compromise on the meals you are used to getting every other Yom Tov! and Shabbos! Let your wife know how much you value her cooking and how important Yom Tov meals are to you! It's about the sanctity of the chag.

Your family can visit you Yom Tov Afternoon.

If you don't want to see your family, you can hide in the *other* cemetery nearby. The revolutionary war soldiers were great marksmen. America protects its own.

Local heimishe families are gracious to locals and needy Jews who pass by. They know the value of proper indoor plumbing.

Staying local affords you the opportunity to still attend your regular shiurim. You might appreciate a good snooze in an air conditioned building, too.

You might get some other passersby to join you in the davening.

Most of all, staying local shows your family how important it is to you to make sure you are around them for the chag. Special areas will be set aside for fathers to hear their children's divrei Torah!!

Shana Tova!!

It's time for jewish publications and letters to editors to find another expression other than
"no pun intended", one of the most overused expressions in recent history. As frequent as Pomegranate ads and Asifos, it has lost it's potency, and is just soooo tacky.