Thursday, September 24, 2009

Yeshiva World today presented a Kol Korei from the Rabbonim declaring boys should marry girls close to their own age, or even older, to help solve the age-gap-shidduch-crisis-issue.

This is how I read into it:

Don't let girls date or marry before they turn twenty. This way they will have earned some money, or begun their schooling, and are closer to finishing a degree and increased earning power.
In turn, it puts less of a strain on parents to help support sons-in-law in Kollel.
In addition, post seminary girls have more realistic obligations and have experienced the realities of juggling school, jobs, and social activities to have a better understanding of commitments and realistic expectations of what life can throw at you.
Therefore parents may actually have two or three children marrying within a few years without the father mortgaging to the hilt and having a heart attack at the 3rd child'sTano'im.

Brilliant! or, duh, extemely obvious.

This actually might also lead to less of the following experience I just had with a potential shadchan.
She called me to suggest boy for one of the DIP's. He is learning, will do so for a few years, then wants to go to grad school. Sounds great! Responsible! NORMAL! But this is how the conversation went:
Shadchan: So this guy is really into his learning, serious about his chavrusos and zmanin, he is just realistic about the future!
Me: sounds great to me
SH: But the mother says she has 100 names and they are all the same
Me: don't worry, my DIP's are different (like really, what SHOULD I have said? mine are the 101st and 102nd of the same??)
SH: The girls who want someone who is only learning get upset that he has a BTL and even talks about going for a Masters, and the ones who want a guy who will work aren't serious about his learning, and don't really want to support him for a few years!
Me: (in a magnanimous (I have no clue why this is now underlined) voice) well, you know, girls panic or aren't sure of what they want, and
SH: no, no, my point is, he is the TYPE to really learn for a long time, but he is very REALISTIC as to the REALITIES of life, and he wants to have a parnossa but he wants a girl who REALLY wants someone who is learning, but he HAS to go to school, but REALLY he is into his learning...

Why is everyone so darn apologetic? Just say it like it is! He is learning and will have a parnossa.

Oy vey


G6 said...

The ones who are apologetic are the ones who don't truly believe in the concept themselves.

Wishing you much hatzlacha in the coming year (and sons-in-law that don't mind being blogged about ;) )

Mikeinmidwood said...

That bochur is samrt he knows he needs to learn and he has to make money thats the right way, I wish many people wouldnt be so extreme like I want a learner only or I want a guy who only works, the middle road is the best.

Anonymous said...

How complicated can things be? Clearly a realistic approach is at least honest - do we really want the next generation to revel in genteel poverty?
Wishing you (and especially your DIPs!!) much hatzlacha in the search for sons in law.
G'mar chatima tovah

harry-er than them all said...

because there are many guys who enjoy learning, are machshiv it, and its a big part of their lives, who also plan on working. many people (albeit maybe with smaller brains) don't understand how a guy who is serious about learning would want to work. they think that there is something wrong with him.

Staying Afloat said...

Just found this. That's exactly the type of person most of my chevra were looking for when I was looking in the mid-90's. And we also waited to look until we had a reasonable path planned, including a foreseeable graduation date. And asked our parents if they might be willing to support us until one of us had an income. The arrangement often included something like the husband doing youth groups or laining on Shabbos to earn some parnassa. So, yeah, common sense. And now my parents have money to spend on the grandkids! (At their discretion, of course :))


john said...

i think you all missed the point. The way i read it is the kid doesn't want to go to school or work, (he really really likes to learn) and he really really wants his wife to support hm, but if, after 5 years and 3 kids she says enough, THEN he will go for a masters.