Monday, July 5, 2010

Profiling is a Good Thing

I had a nice little chat today with the mother of a friend of DIP1. She said she does her shidduch research differently than I do. Considering she has four daughters married and I have one, I ruminated on that for a while. She also has a much larger family than I do, older kids, and I think she is a very articulate and intelligent woman.

So of course I started second guessing everything I do to find out about a potential suitor.

i have actually never heard that a boy is ugly, obnoxious, unliked by friends, missing most minyanim or sedorim, not nice, nasty to his parents, shunned by family, resented by co-workers, you get the idea.

However, I do ask a lot of the typical type of questions. And then I listen to How they are answered, and What Is Not Said. And I totally stereotype- I will assume a certain haskafa from his home if he attended a particular school or yeshiva. Doesn't mean we write him off if he is not the standard model we think we are looking for, but there is some value to profiling.

And still nothing is a guarantee.

One Woman I Know (based on her comment she was demoted from Acquaintance) told me "your daughter goes out to much. I only approve two or three guys a year". How idiotic. Does she think her 25 year old daughter appreciates that??


malki said...

Speaking as a European, I think the American girls DO go out to much! I was 21 when I got engaged, and my husband was my 2nd boy and I was his 1st girl (he was 23)! I have friends whose parents do so much research they are 1000 percent sure of the compatibility that they only go out with the person to see if there is chemistry. All 6 members of one of such familys have met only one person and gotten engaged! Yes its a lot of research but very very normal.

What do you think getting rejected does to a persons self esteem? I wouldn't like it too much I tell you that! I dont think the shidduch system was put in place that girls and guys should be meeting so much of the opp sex. In that case why dont we just arrange party's and such or speed dating and then get the whole shadchan thing out the way. I have friends from america that have met 25 or 30 boys! even chassidish girls! I don't think that is wise at all!

daughtersintheparsha said...

interesting observation

FBB said...

Maybe some girls need to meet lots of guys so that when they finally meet the right one they are comfortable enough with the opposite sex to know that this is right.