Sunday, April 10, 2011

Reposting: lack of food erev YomTov

I should have listened to my sister the Eitza Lady and sent this in to one of the jewish magazines. But I didn't (maybe next year) so here it is again, with some slight revisions. is it like this in YOUR house??

*(YBS is Yeshiva Bochur Son. See earlier posts for fascinating observations of this Being)

Call child welfare services

My kids are starving.

The fridge is so empty I can see the back and the reflections of the containers on the glass shelves.

I love it. My kids hate it.

YBS: I am staying in yeshiva, there's mamesh no Oichel and this Matzov is Geferlach.

DIP1: uh, what's for supper?

ME: (brightly) you have many choices! I have four hot dogs, two hamburgers, some buns, and when they defrost, we will know if they are hot dog or hamburger buns- right now they're a little squished in the bag. AND I found a quarter of a bag of brocoli, two breaded chicken fingers, and looky here! an ENTIRE container of Tofutti sour cream, 3/4 of a container of Chummus, yum! and TONS of sorbet. What a treat! Let's have dessert first, as a special pre- pesach treat!

DIP3: (stamps into kitchen, flops on chair) this is SO not funny! I am beyond famished and starving! I ate the sludge from the bottom of the cereal container and I don't even know which cereal it was!

ME: ho ho! It was all of 'em! I combined the cereals two days ago so I could put away the containers and throw out all those boxes cluttering up the shelf. What a wonderful shmorgasbord for breakfast! ha ha!

DIP1: what's for supper?

ME: you like salmon? right? Tada! A salmon fillet! There are some green things floating on it, looks like it was already spiced, just microwave it and your gourmet meal is ready!

DIP1: (after microwaving). Uh, Ma?? I think this was the leftover lox we brought home from the bris. The stuff on it was that curly spinach? that goes under the platter? but it was stuck on with the saran wrap? So that's why now it looks shiny? what should I eat?

ME: the salmon! where do you think lox comes from?? lots of healthy fish oils in that! and spinach! Woah, just loaded with vitamins! Here, I found an extra 1/2 a whole wheat pita under the soup that defrosted and refrosted when the freezer was left open. Looks like it was onion soup, so it's milchigs! Just microwave the pita quickly and gobble it up, could get rubbery when it cools off.

DIP1: This is awful. I am going to that new shwarma place.

ME: No, No!! I’ll find something in that freezer, don’t lose hope! Here, I found one individually wrapped Homemade Oatrageous Granola Bar, from when I made them to take on our Chol Hamoed Succos trip. You love these things! Warm it up. Share it with your younger sister. Whole grains fill you up beautifully, one half should be fine.

DIP3: (after trying to unwrap the foil from the Homemade Granola Bar) uh, Ma? Are you sure this was only in the freezer since Succos? Cuz the foil is disintegrating in miniscule pieces and there are now silver shavings all over my new skirt, and….. HEY! This isn’t a Homemade Granola Bar! This is a misshapen block of fresh yeast! Gross, now it’s crumbling all over my new skirt! Even eating cold noodles, or…or…melting ice cream is better than the horrific lack of food situation in this household! This is so not funny. Since a week after Purim I have been in a state of starvation, depravation, and famishedness!

YBS: (screams with delight) Hashem, thank you!! I found some of those Spring Valley puff pastry zachiges! are they fleishig? Great! I can cut up the yapchik (that's what this foil is, yeah) I got four weeks ago from Mechil's and throw it all in! Is this squished foil pan from behind the pots fleishigs? Can I use it on the grill for all this shtus?

ME: (Gaily) You bet, Mr. Creative Chef - and throw in some ketchup, this breaded chicken drumstick, and the five diced pieces of zuchinni I found stuck to the bottom of the prune filling! Your feasting! Your mamesh feasting!

My phone rings. It is the Father. Of this charming brood of children who don’t appreciate the abundance of food in our home considering the starving people in Japan and Haiti and other washed out cities and countries.

HUSBAND: Hi there, hope you had a great day with the kids home, did they help? (sneer, which I could hear). Anyway, I just got off the bridge, I’ll be home in about 12 minutes. And we didn’t order lunch today, I ran to work straight from shul this morning without breakfast or even a coffee, and remember last night I wasn’t feeling well after shiur so I didn’t eat dinner. I am beyond famished. Hope you have something good for dinner. And don’t pass vegetables or soup as a main course, I need heavy protein and lots of it. What did you make?

DIP3: (who can miss a request if I bellow it over her head but can hear the other side of a cell phone conversation from the other side of the room) FORGET IT, DADDY!! There is ab-so-lute-ly no-thing edible in this household! Get us sushi! Take us to Teaneck! GO TO GRANDMA and get her shabbos leftovers! Something!

I quickly dash around the food deprived/weakened members of my household and leap into the bathroom, and as I muffle my voice into the towels, I ask my husband to pick up two corn beef sandwiches on the way home. Yup! Some of us will eat well tonight !


BrottherLawyer said...

you missed your calling. You should ALWAYS write. you should update this site ALL THE TIME.

P.S. send them to me, they can finish the chicken we had at DIP2's sheva brochos, taht came out this week, along with some other mystery meats, and meatballs that were still peachdik when we had them Friday night.

Anonymous said...

same in my house...very funny:)

Anonymous said...

You sound like an awful mother. Your poor children

Fellow Monsey Mom said...

I LOVE this! You mean every house is like mine?

daughtersintheparsha said...

you think I'm an awful mother? check out how I send my kids to school with shirts ironed with food residue!