Thursday, January 23, 2014

Is It True That Bochrim Talk This Way After Dates?

It's a double standard.

Or actually, it's no standard.  I wonder, if boys' yeshivos spent 1/4 of the time that girls schools do teaching midos,  if a story like this would come out:

We've all heard that bochrim discuss their dates. At length. Mercilessly.  Without kindness.  And we know that the girls do not.  They do not talk to their friends about their dates.  Unless they are close to getting engaged, or there is one friend who is a sounding board, close confidante.

So here's the story I heard this past shabbos.

A boy (yes, of course, from a Yeshiva that has a good reputation) returned from a date to his dorm.  Where, presumably, a bunch of other guys were hanging around.  He stated, **LANGUAGE ALERT FOR THE SENSITIVE AND YOUNG**, "the door opened and I thought, dammit, she's ugly".

What's the big deal, you might say?
I know all the disclaimers.  I know that looks ARE important to men.  (guess what guys, to us women, too. we just don't talk about it). I know that attraction is an extremely important main factor in a relationship.
The big deal is that this unkind bochur just announced to a room of other bochrim that this girl is ugly.  Never mind that it's in his opinion.  Never mind that of course, there might be a baal midos in the group who will not be mekabel this Lashon Hara.  Never mind that other boys might find this guy unpleasant, rude, obnoxious, and discount what he says.

It's disturbing because we ARE the people of the book.  We ARE supposed to be better than others.  This yeshiva has a good reputation.  The boys there do not go to college. They can't.  They have to be somewhat serious about their learning.  And of course, you're one step out the door of serious religiosity if you plan to plan on a plan for parnosa.

It's disturbing because this boy who spends his whole day and night studying and learning Hashem's beautiful Torah doesn't have the most basic sense of kindness and thoughtfullness.

........of course, I am sure the girl is not from a wealthy family.  That totally changes the picture, too.  Green can be very attractive, no?


Anonymous said...

Ok, if no one else is going to comment I will! I am horrified that bochrim talk this way about their dates. My daughter would never discuss with anyone of her peers, and they don't share anything with her either. She is mortified by the thought of her name being mentioned in the dorm. Seriously a lack of derech eretz and mentchlichkeit.

Mystery Woman said...

And what do you think will happen now when this girl is redt to one of the boys in that dorm room? Do you think she has half a chance? As if it's not hard enough already...

David G. said...

I think there is a flip side to this.

Boy goes out with nice girl, but they just don't click... He will mention her and by doing that, perhaps one of his friends will want to meet/date/marry her!

I think that has happened many times.

Anonymous said...

Not me nor any of my friends Ever discuss are shiduch dates you take one story and make it out that all bachurim talk this way and where is your mida tova of have Dan kol Adam lekaf zechus

daughtersintheparsha said...

@anonymous march 20th -
I'm not judging all bochrum. Only the ones who talk this way. I'm glad you are a ba'al midos and don't disparagingly talk about girls after dates. I am sure you only speak positively!

Some advice: If you are old enough to date, you should be old enough to know how to spell "our" and use commas.
:) :)