Tuesday, July 28, 2009

There is a new aspect I don't like about the whole dating/shidduch scene. Not new, but newly realized by me.

Our beautiful bnos yisroel are expected to develop a meaningful relationship after 3 or 4 dates. With an absolute stranger. And if it doesn't work out, and the girl is lucky enough to have a "list", a week or two later she begins developing another meaningful relationship.

You know what? this is wreaking havoc on girls' emotional state.
Even if the boy is boring, ugly, and self centered.
Even if the girl says no.
Even if it ends before it ever leads anywhere "meaningful".

Kudos and Mazel Tovs and yay for those who marry the second or third boy they date.

And I am not whining about girls who have been dating for ten years,
or girls who are negative,
or girls who have unrealistic expectations.

I am talking about girls who have full, busy lives, who date in order to meet their Eizer Knegdo.
They are becoming emotionally exhausted.
I do not mean girls who think it is tragic that they aren't married at 22.
I mean girls who find it hard to share everything with a boy or with their parents because it is the same old stuff.

can someone please tell me a solution? but serious, well thought out options, please.
I KNOW the system stinks, so no complaints. just positive suggestions.

Then maybe I can try to implement some of these new ideas for DIP 3. who isn't yet in the parsha.


corner point said...

You sound angry...I'm sorry :-/

Just a few thoughts...

How come you only worry about the girls?
Are the boys impervious to becoming emotionally exhausted?
..I was under the impression that shidduchim is hard for everyone...not just the girls... Is there a reason you're specifying only them?

Is there a rule that date relationships have to become meaningful by the 3rd or 4th date? If a the girl and boy get along well and enjoy one another's company, why can't they take their time and find meaning in it as they go along, if that's what they need? Not everyone makes friends in 6 hours--we can't expect all dates to develop something deeper than that in that amount of time...

What you can do is encourage your kids to stop worrying about what "everyone else" thinks about shidduchim, and focus on what works best for *themselves*. If they need more time, let them take more time. Nobody has to be in a rush. There are those who need waaay more than 4 dates, and that's ok. Let them have that time.

Everyone is tired--boys and girls alike--of dating while they're working/learning/studying. It's tiring and exhausting no matter how often one dates. What we can do is encourage them to feel as comfortable as they can while going thru with it. Whether that's taking their time, or taking breaks in between, or doing something else.

Does this answer your question at all?

daughtersintheparsha said...
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Staying Afloat said...

Seriously, corner point.

And I agree about each person being him or herself. Going along with the pace of a system when that pace doesn't work for you is often asking for trouble. I believe it's the reason for so many broken engagements.

I hear you about the exhausting emotional investment. When you're used to putting your best into everything, you do the same with dating. But maybe you can't give your best at anything if it all gets to be too much and too routine. I'm a big fan of pacing.

Patricia Batton said...

Who says they are expected to develop meaningful relationships after 3 or 4 dates? Many ultra-orthodox couples don't get engaged until 10 or more dates why not wait until 5 or 6 to decide if they even want to get emotionally attached?

glad to no longer be in the Parsha said...

bk it sems to me that that the boys are in more of a rush than the girls (maybe because they all have a "list" the are working their way through) so if the emotional attachment is not quickly forthcoming they would rather move on than see what develops.

G6 said...

As a mother of both boys and girls who have concluded the parsha ;) I will tell you that the emotional investment is a problem for both sexes.
It seems to be an unavoidable consequence and the boys definitely feel it too.
I think it is especially hard for the young people who enter in to the process with the right kavana and the proper attitude, because you must "put yourself out there".
Just be the supportive parent - they do appreciate it.

corner point said...

Good question.......

I find my writing inspiration has waned greatly of late. I don't like to just "stam" post. What I write about has to be meaningful enough to me, and I have to feel that at least someone will get something from it. For some reason, I find less in my life that I feel I need to share with the world. I'm still being inspired by things, but not in the way I can put down on screen...

And also.....I think that when I started blogging, I really needed the forum of a blog to fill certain needs. Life changes, and you change with it. I feel like I need my blog much less now than I did back when I was posting frequently. I still want to keep it (have some half-formed posts in mind at the present) and I'd be too sad to delete it, even when I don't plan on writing anymore for good.

But I really appreciate that you asked.....
...feels nice to know people notice and miss you...


Anonymous said...
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john said...

The option available to change the process is to remove the stigma of young men and women meeting and socializing on their own. This way, they could lay the groundwork of a relationship without the pressure to make an immediate decision. Who says that it is only OK for "older" singles to have weekends to meet?

Another point is that they don't need to look for an emotional attachment, just the possibilities. Although sometimes a couple can really "click" I think it is more an ability to come to love the person based on some attraction, yes, but also respect, similar mindsets and outlooks on life, and friendship.

daughtersintheparsha said...

John, John, you sound so sensible, so...familiar...??

Basmelech said...

As mentioned above by others, one is not looking for a "meaningful" relationships in the first 4 dates, only compatibility and the ability to have good communication and discover if there are common goals. If all of those are present, the couple likes each other, the conversation flows and they are working towards the same goals, then there is room to forge a "meaningful relationship". In shidduchim there cannot be absolutes such as only 4 dates, because we are dealing with people and each one is different. So for some 4 dates are enough to know there is something that can develop for others it takes a few more. The only thing is if you are going to say no, say it quickly, do not hurt the others' feelings any more than you have to by going out more times than necessary.

As far as John's first suggestion, there are a lot of pitfalls, look at http://shidduchim101.blogspot.com/2010/03/what-is-wrong-with-singles-events.html I wrote it there, don't want to rewrite it :).
Good luck with your DIP3.