Tuesday, December 2, 2014

What Is The Real Meaning Of Tzniyus?

Truthfully?  I have no clue.
I mean of course I do, but I don't feel like going into it.
A poster on my previous blog entry stated her daughter thought it might be Un-Tzniyasdik to give a picture of herself.  As a result, the boy declined to date her.

I don't agree about it being untzniyusdik.  They will be spending time together in close quarters, hopefully making eye contact.  That's what you do on dates.  He's gonna see her anyway, the picture isn't inappropriate for that reason.  But to nix a shidduch cuz you DIDN'T get a picture?

First of all:   Good for you!  Good for you and your daughter for not capitulating and giving in to this idiocy of demanding a picture.  I would venture to say that he was not Your Intended One.  I cannot imagine that H' (Hashem) would allow a bashert to slip through your hands because you didn't give him a picture.
I believe we can blame (cuz I love to do that) the shadchanim.
If every single shadchan out there would refuse to give pictures of girls, what would happen?  Boys would actually have to risk a date with someone who doesn't look like what they think or more often their mother thinks is the ideal look for their son!
And for you boys' mothers who say,  "you know what's involved for a boy to date? He has to give up seder, rent a car, shower/shave/get dressed, drive (let's say up to Monsey, for Brooklyn people that's practically Canada), pay for drinks/dinner/mini golf/parking/tolls, then drive back!  that's hours and hours and lotsa moola and what if the minute he walks in the door he doesn't like her looks? Let's avoid that problem!

Let's teach our boys that it's not just about looks! That you can attempt to have a conversation with someone who might not be "your look" but might prove to be interesting! engaging! cute! charming!


Wondering Minds said...

It's not about "liking her looks", it's about making sure she isn't the total opposite of what you are looking for.

Half the people who are refusing to give pictures are hiding something they are ashamed of (be it overweight or something else).

There are plenty of people who will still go out with them, regardless of what the issue is, but to hide from it isn't a great idea.

Both sides should give a picture beforehand, and let your true self show.

Anonymous said...

Im the previous poster who's daughter felt it was not tzniyus to give a picture. Of course they will meet in person and have to spend time together etc. The point is we have heard that boys share resumes among their friends. She did not like the idea of her picture being passed around the BMG dorm! THAT is what she felt was untznius. And no, we are not hiding anything, she is BH pretty, but we send a picture to the shadchan only.

Lost and Found said...

I specifically ask people sending resumes to not send the girl's picture. I got pictures once, was scarred from the pictures (they were completely and honestly horrendous) and said never again. I felt bad saying no based on pictures, but it wasn't the actual girl's looks that gave me reason to say no, but the stupidity of 5, black and white, selfies (before selfies were a thing).

Another thing that I will never do is say no after a first date (unless something very inappropriate was said/done) simply because I don't want the girl to think it's because of looks. But because of that "shitah" I do feel that the one and only thing that really bothers me when it comes to girls should be asked about. Happens to be, I'm very easygoing when it comes to looks. The one thing that bother me isn't something ridiculous (she must have blond hair, or must be a size 2, etc), but it is something that really bothers me and yes, would be a "waste of time" for a first (and therefore second as well) date.

a boy in shidduchim otherwise know as Bug said...

Wondering Minds, a picture does not show your true self. you yourself show that. in order to get past the eww he/she is not my type based on a picture you have to not have a picture.and that way the real person can shine. if someone goes into a date with the preconceived notion that he'she wont like the other person based ona picture they are dating under duress and they wont give it a fair shot.