Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Shadchan Horror. Story

I will not reveal details that might help you figure out who this is.  But as we say here in Monsey, this is a "Maysa Shehaya, Mamesh".

DIP3 had an out of town friend, LS, over  for an extended weekend. She decided to meet some local shadchanim.  I give LS credit - another girl would have repeated this story in tears, but LS was just amused.

The shadchan complained about, or rather, laced into this girl, LS, about..
her hair - how she wore it, what she had in it (funky feather headband) how thin it was, even the color - a beautiful, shiny black.  Shadchan mentioned dying it. She removed the headband and bobby pins, redid the style. Then took about 8 pictures, with LS's camera. And said "THIS is a good shidduch picture".
her hands - she should wax them.  I had to remove my glasses to notice any hair on her hand. This is not a girl with fur.  But the shadchan confided in her how shadchan's OWN SON was disgusted by the hair on his wife's hand, and how she, the helpful mother in law, suggested her daughter in law have it removed.
her clothes - the color, according to the shadchan, was all wrong. I thought it was a lovely dark aqua blue.  Actually, a breath of fresh air to not wear all black.  The color went very well with this beautiful girl's coloring - olive skin, black hair, huge dark brown eyes.  And the style? It was too loose. She should wear clothes that were more fitted.

her smile-  Yes! Her Smile! She smiles too much! Too wide! Shadchan told her she has to smile less, or smaller.

LS told me that if the shadchan had just insulted her about one particular thing, she would've been upset.  But this rampage went on for more than half an hour. DIP3 was waiting in the car, wondering what on earth they were talking about.

Which is another interesting thing - at no point did the shadchan chat with LS to find out about her, her personality, what she's like, what she wants, etc.  At least, nothing more than the perfunctory "oh-you-want-a-learner-earner-ok".

Let us also talk about how this shadchan agreed to meet LS but then was not the easiest to pin down to a time. I get that, she works, has limited time.  But if you are presenting yourself as a shadchan, don't make the girls feel like they are nudging you and begging you for a brief meeting. Pick a time that works.  Don't act like your time is gold and she is nothing and you will TRY your HARDEST to squeeze her in for at LEAST a few minutes at SOME POINT.

Who is this LS?  A charming, graceful, beautiful girl who is full of personality and charm, with a huge lichtige smile that reflects her Simchas HaChaim.   She wouldn't even condemn this woman, even though I was fuming and stomping around my kitchen pontificating and yelling about her.  LS just said, "I don't think I'm going to send her the pictures she took from my camera!"  And she put her funky feathery headband back on.

Perhaps part of what motivated this shadchan was her experience as a mother marrying off boys. And the things that were important to her sons.  But as LS said, "I'm not a Flatbush clone and I don't want a boy who wants that".
It's like DIP1 complained about for years - the problem is the boys' mothers.....


Sporadic Intelligence said...

You sure this is true? It reads like a melodramatic novel. It's insane!

Still Searching said...

This is a sickening story but as a girl in the parsha...I believe every word of it. Baruch Hashem you are a normal and wholesome person with priorities in order. Nebuch on this shadchan who is probably just a bitter person in general. At this point in the shidduch process I feel like my dignity has been trampled upon one too many a time and I am trying to salvage whatever self- dignity I have left.

daughtersintheparsha said...

sporadic- definitely true. heard from the girl when she came back home. and she had no agenda, no reason to exaggerate. she was amused. somewhat.
still searching - you still have dignity. there are still people out there who know you are wonderful and your bashert will find his way to you through people who are wholesome and good and want only the best for you :)

brotherlawyer said...

i don't know if I am more appalled at the Shadchan condoning her son's feelings, or that he told his mother in the first place.

If he is so DISGUSTED by his wife's hands, I guess its a good thing his mother is such a wonderful shadchan!

FBB said...

The insanity is if the girl takes it to heart. The beauty is if there are those people who ca rise above the broken parts of the system, and know that God is on their side. If they are honest and are just themselves, they will find the right one.